Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I occasionally drink every single night.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but