Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

I cannot call her anything else now

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.