Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls