Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming