Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
accurate
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo