Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
😾
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
A French press is when you hug naked
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night