Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
You Might Also Like
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
This is my emotional support knife.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?