Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

blocked.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.