Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
WHO DID THIS?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.