Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.