Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
no!! no!!!!!!
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.