Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
You Might Also Like
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
weaknesses
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Bike for sale
