Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
You Might Also Like
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
A roof is a house hat.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I have never related to anyone more.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The old gods are rising again.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?