Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
opening twitter today
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*