Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.