Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit