Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?