Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.