Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.