Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

😉

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again