Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
White Castle for the Win
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.