Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.