Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I think I’m gonna be sick
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.