Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..