Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Holy shit he’s back

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.