Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*