Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Whisper out to librarians!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!