Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
this is me
![]()
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.