Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*