Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?