Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂