just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Muppet Screams
she has a point
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
