Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here