Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.