Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.