Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Welcome to the stomach
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
set yourself free xox
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off