Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree