Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
how long have you had this for?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.