“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.