“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.