Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

blocked.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍