Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.