Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

“What?”
– Jude

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.