Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.