Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The booster protects against what, now?
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat