Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.