Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

This will teach them to underestimate me

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”