Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

“you changed” bro i was 15

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?