Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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These 3D printers are insane!
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!