Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Who says great literature is dead?

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit