Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

I didn’t realize that was an option

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

good let them take over I have had enough

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”