Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”