Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
#FunnyLife Insects