Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”