Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
watergate? u mean a dam??
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 馃ぃ
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Tarantino鈥檚 Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I鈥檓 really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The media be like here鈥檚 what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now