Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!