Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Netflix and you sit over there.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?