Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
new shirt idea
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.