Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Good morning to everyone, especially those who see nothing wrong with a bite or three of chocolate cake first thing in the morning.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
What the hell is going on?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.