Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.