Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Who does Amazon think I am?

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe