Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

I am absolutely never leaving this website

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”