Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?