Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.