16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Dear autocorrect. I will never mean “ I got that big sick energy”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard