@UnicornSyrup

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

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@bigmacher

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

@AndrewNadeau0

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@iwearaonesie

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@robfromonline

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

@lemonmartinis

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard