Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.