Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*