Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Received some very disappointing news today

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.